


Slipping Up

by ohelrond



Series: Until the Breaking of the World [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Denali coven appreciation, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, carlesme, im sad so i want other people to be too, irina/esme friendship forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28300701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohelrond/pseuds/ohelrond
Summary: When Jasper and Esme are out together for a drive in the early 1970s, Jasper wants to test his self control and picks up two hitchhikers. His self control fails and so does Esme's. Carlisle, Alice, and Rosalie try to deal with the fallout. Focus on Esme, Jasper is mentioned in passing. Esme runs to Denali to seek judgment-free solace and Carlisle follows to try to offer that himself.
Relationships: Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen
Series: Until the Breaking of the World [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959850
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	Slipping Up

**Author's Note:**

> Not proof read you're welcome. Sad writer bad writing.

The pins were nearly all in place in the fibula, and it was the last one that was posing a bit of an issue. Carlisle’s nose twitched against the surgical mask over his face. He mourned in a fleeting thought once again that he was forced to wear the loupes during some surgeries to keep up the character of  _ human, _ but he pushed through the distraction to carefully pin the final shattered bone together. 

“Call for Doctor Cullen.” 

“I can take it.” Carlisle kept his eyes on the surgery as a nurse held the receiver up to his ear. “Cullen speaking.” 

“Carlisle.” It was Alice. She didn’t sound worried, but she didn’t sound  _ normal, _ either. “It’s Jasper. And Esme.” 

Although his hands did not falter in their work, Carlisle’s stomach dropped. “Tell me the worst.” 

She dropped her voice so that nosey colleagues would not hear. “Two hitchhikers. Jasper was driving. Esme didn’t want to pick them up but he said he wanted to test himself and be close to them. He failed the test. They both did.” 

Carlisle swallowed. “After?” 

“I don’t think it’s over yet. Neither has made a decision.” 

“Alright.”

“Your surgery isn’t going to go well. The bone is going to split no matter what you do. You won’t be home for hours.” 

He paused his hands and looked up at the other surgeon who seemed unconcerned. It looked like the final pin was strong, but Carlisle trusted Alice’s judgment. “Alright. Are you alright, Alice?” 

She sighed. “Yes, I’m fine. I think Esme will be too but I’ll call if anything changes.” 

“Thank you. I’ll see you later.” 

“Bye, Carlisle. Love you.” 

Carlisle smiled slightly. Even absent-minded, Alice was sweet. “I love you too.” He nodded at the nurse and the phone was taken away. She was right, after all. While he held the pin in place, the other surgeon began tightening the screw and the bone cracked down the middle. They groaned in frustration. Two agonising hours passed and Alice called again. 

“Jasper couldn’t get her home.” 

“What?” 

“Says she was too scared to come home. She’s running but I can’t see where to because she keeps changing her mind.”

“Is she safe?”

“Yes.”

He sighed. That was what truly mattered now, everything else would have to wait. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll be another few hours.” 

“I know.” 

Two further hours were needed to finish the surgery. He changed and showered, getting the stench of blood off him, and he tried not to weep. His self control had translated into quite the talent for compartmentalising, and when he had to focus on a task he could ignore other thoughts. When his patient needed him to concentrate on this life-changing surgery to save a leg, everything else took a back-seat. He sometimes hated that - he hated that Esme could never be his ultimate priority when he so desperately wanted her to be - but most of the time he knew it was for the greater good. Still. The thought of her failure and her pain ripped through his body. 

As soon as he got to his black Mercedes close to midnight he dialed home on his car phone. Rosalie picked up. “Is she home?” 

“No. Alice says she keeps seeing snow.”

“Denali, perhaps?” 

“That’s what I think, too, but she says it’s still too blurry to be sure.” Rosalie paused. “Should I have… should I have followed her?”

“No, not if she ran. She needs space, that’s all.” 

“That’s what she thought she needed last time and look how that turned out.” 

Carlisle winced at the memory. Esme had been so afraid to come home after her last slip up that she had gone on the run for two days and taken two more human lives. It had devastated her, and she took years to come back to herself completely. “I remember.” 

“What if she doesn’t need space? I think someone should go after her, she doesn’t do well on her own.” 

Rose had a point. Esme was unhappy when she was not surrounded by people that she loved. “Perhaps… but it would take so long to catch up with her. Did she take a car or is she on foot?” 

“On foot, but- but I don’t think you should go after her. You’re the one she’s afraid of.” 

“Rosalie, you know I’d never-” 

“Not like that. But she hates to disappoint you and she hates the idea of you being ashamed of her. I think she half worries that you’ll stop loving her if she trips up again.” 

“That’s unthinkable.” 

“Is it? From her point of view, is it really? You don’t ever see what you look like when one of them slips up, Carlisle. Jasper told me how you felt last time Emmett slipped up, how intense that upset and disappointment was, and how guilty you felt, like you’d failed Emmett. I’d thought as much, too, from the look on your face after.” 

Carlisle’s jaw clenched. “I’m sorry, Rose. I don’t ever mean to be like that.”

She sighed down the phone. “I know, but you can’t always hide your feelings. You’ve got no poker face, you know? But that’s what she’s scared of, I think, that’s what she’s terrified of.”

He couldn’t lie to his daughter. “I think that’s how I do feel, though. Disappointed. She took a life, Rose.”

“However you feel, she feels ten times worse. Besides, between you and me, I don’t think it was her fault either. From what Jasper’s said, it sounds like he was the instigator and it was in the car for God’s sake, he ripped into that hitchhiker’s throat right in the back seat, Esme didn’t stand a chance with all that blood and Jasper’s mood affecting her own. After what that other hitchhiker saw Jasper saw, she had to die, anyway. So if it makes you feel any better, just blame him.” 

That was one way to look at it. And perhaps there was something in what Rosalie theorised - when Jasper was thirsty, often the whole house soon was too. So if he had given into temptation, maybe his gift had turned to a curse that forced Esme’s hand. “I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. And blame doesn’t come into it either way. Where’s Jasper now?” 

“Licking his wounds. Alice has gone with him but I think they’re only a few miles out and she promised to be back before you got home.” 

“Alright. I’ll talk to him tonight before he punishes himself too dearly. I’ll be half an hour.” 

“Okay. See you soon.” 

Carlisle usually enjoyed the drive home from the big city hospital to their quiet New Hampshire home, the rural location giving them the peace and solitude the whole family craved, but tonight he could not focus on the rolling fields and meadows, the way the moonlight turned the world blue. Esme was out in the wilderness, scared and ashamed and alone, her eyes blazing red. He wanted more than anything to follow her and catch her in his arms and comfort her, but like Rosalie said, much of what she ran from was him. He had never chastised her for making a mistake, he had never voiced any disapproval, and he had always prayed with her when she begged for absolution. But every human victim had been harder for her to deal with. She was scared of failing herself, of failing him. To him, she was never a failure. But her opinion of herself was so fragile, it always shattered her like glass. 

The house was Esme’s design. An old farmhouse surrounded by trees, white wood and grey slate and a wrap around porch that she liked to sit on and read or sew or draw. He parked in the yard and Alice darted out of the trees as he got out of the car. She flew to his side. “Alaska.” 

He gave her a half-hearted smile. “How long will it take her to get there?” 

“Another nineteen hours.”

“I’d better give them a call and let them know. Do you know how long she’ll stay?” 

“She hasn’t decided.”

Rosalie met them at the front door. “Until her eyes have got back to normal, surely. She hates us seeing them red.” 

Carlisle winced again. He hung up his coat and hat and changed into his house slippers, walking into the huge dining room. The women followed him. 

“How’s Jasper?” Carlisle asked as he dialed the number for the Denali house. 

“Upset with himself. More upset about Esme.” 

Carlisle nodded. “It’s not his fault. Like you said, these things happen.” 

Three rings and the phone was picked up. “Hello?” 

“Irina, it’s Carlisle.” 

“Ah, what a nice surprise! How are you?” 

“I’ve had better days,” he joked half-heartedly. 

“Oh,” she sighed, a smile in her voice. “Tell me all about it, darling.” 

“It’s Esme. She’s on her way to you on foot, she should be there by nightfall.” 

Humour was gone from Irina. “Oh Carlisle, what happened?”

He sighed. “There was an accident today, and her eye will be red when she arrives. It happened when I was at work and I haven’t seen her since but Alice saw her decision. Is that alright?” 

“Of course. Will you come soon, too?”

“I…” Rosalie and Alice watched him carefully, his decision not yet made. “I don’t know. I don’t know what she needs at this time. Rosalie thinks it’s me she’s running away from.” 

The thing about their European friends was that they were incredibly honest. Carlisle liked that about them, and so did Esme. Irina did not disappoint now. “She probably is. She doesn’t want to see shame in your eyes when you look upon her.” 

“I’m not ashamed of her. I’m never ashamed of anyone who makes a mistake.” 

“Hm. But you are pius and godly and taking a life is not. She can barely hold her own grief, let alone yours, too.” Irina and her family knew Esme and Carlisle very well, and Irina and Esme especially had a tight bond. Both gentle and strong souls, they had found a true friend in each other over the years. It did not bother Carlisle, then, that Irina spoke in such an intimate way. 

He sighed again. “Straight to the point, eh, Irina?” 

“Oh, Carlisle, you know I don’t mean to offend you.” 

“I know, I know. Forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, my friend.”

“I just thought you should know. Are you planning to move on any time soon?” 

“No, we’re far from any other settlement and have no one to hide from up here. Kate and Tanya have gone hunting for a few days but they will be back soon, so we will all be here for her when she arrives. It’s been too long, anyway.”

“It has been.” Carlisle closed his eyes. “I’m just sorry that it is like this that there is a reunion. Perhaps we will come up when Esme is ready to come home, whenever that is.”

“Let’s not make plans in the sand. One day at a time, Carlisle. But don’t wait too long to come, even if it is space that she needs, lest that space becomes too great.” 

“I won’t, I promise. Would you call when she arrives, if she doesn’t mind? Please?” 

“If she doesn’t object.” 

Carlisle smiled at that. “Thank you, Irina. Pass on my love to Carmen and Eleazar. Let’s talk soon.” 

“I will. My love to the others.” 

Carlisle hung up and looked at his daughters. “Irina sends her love.” 

“We heard.” Rosalie reached out and squeezed his hand. “It’ll be alright.” 

“I know.” 

She smiled softly. “You don’t look like you know.” 

Alice quietly slipped out of the room; with no news to pass on, she felt duty-bound to return to Jasper. 

“I’m just sorry that she feels like she must leave because of me,” Carlisle confessed quietly. He leaned against the edge of the table and Rosalie stood next to him. She wrapped her arm around his back and rested her head on his shoulder. 

“It’s not that simple as that,” she reminded him. “Esme is complex. Sometimes she doesn’t understand her own feelings, and where does that leave us?” She sighed. “Out of all of us, aside from you, Esme values human life. Even if you weren’t in the picture, she would be devastated if she killed someone. Then add you, and your morals and your example, and it complicates it even more. And it’s not like you’re her father or friend, you’re her  _ husband _ \- it’s like she thinks your opinion of her is conditional.  _ We _ know that’s not true and on the surface she knows that too, but deep down I think she still fears it.” 

“Do I give off that impression?” he asked, worried by her assessment. 

“No. Not that your love is conditional. But maybe that your approval is.” 

“I’m not sure that it isn’t.” 

Rosalie thought about that for a moment. “Well, what is it that makes you take them back when they kill someone? You don’t turn them away. Would you turn one of us away if we gave up our lifestyle and hunted humans on purpose?” 

“I think that’s the difference - that humans happen as an accident, and that it was never intentional. I think I believe in forgiving those who are remorseful, and wish to make amends.” 

“How very pious of you,” Rosalie said, nudging his side. 

He smiled weakly and kissed her hair. “It’s a good way to live. To forgive those who are truly sorry, not those who are sorry that they got caught, or who do not wish to make things right. And everyone in our family has always been truly sorry for every single mistake.” 

“Was Edward sorry after his years away after he came galavanting back?” 

“You’ll have to talk to him about that,” Carlisle reminded her gently. “Not me.” 

She laughed once without humour and sat up straight. “I’d say give her a few days to calm down. Let the others talk her down and reassure her that you’re not going to throw your wedding ring into the ocean and discard her like yesterday’s paper, and then go prove it to her.”

“I thought you didn’t think I should follow her?” 

“That was when it looked like she was going to wander the wilderness for however long. No, now she’s going to Denali, I think you should definitely go to her.” 

He nodded. “Yes, you’re right.” He made to get up. 

Rosalie caught his arm. “Are you alright, Carlisle? I mean… Esme just attacked and killed a human, and is now halfway across the continent. That’s… a lot to digest.” 

Carlisle smiled weakly. “I’m worried about her. I miss her already. I want to see her.”  _ And it is agonising that she’s running away from me, rather than  _ to _ me. _ “But I’m alright, really.” 

“You know you can talk to us about it, right? You don’t need to carry this alone, I mean it.” 

“Thank you, Rose. I know.” He looked at his daughter and for a moment he marvelled at how far they had come in forty years. When she was first turned she hated him. Now, although they still had their disagreements, they shared a deep bond. Emmett sometimes teased her for being  _ daddy’s princess, _ but it was true to a certain extent - he couldn’t resist indulging her every request, from a new coat to a new car to bribes for the most prestigious colleges. 

  
  


“Hello?” 

“It’s me.” 

Carlisle’s breath caught in his throat. “Love. Thank you for calling.” 

Esme was quiet on the other line. “Irina said you told her I’d come. Thank you for letting them know.” 

“Of course.” Silence. “How are you?” 

A pause. “Well.” A lie. “And you?” 

Lies. “Well.” Truth. “I miss you.” 

Esme swallowed. “I’ll be home soon.” 

“Take your time.” Carlisle hated the awkwardness between them. “I thought… I thought that maybe I could join you up there? In a few days?” 

“I-” The noise caught in her throat. “I’m not sure.” 

“Esme, it wasn’t your fault.” 

“If it was, would you hate me?” 

He gripped the phone and bowed his head. “I would never hate you. I will never hate you. For anything, ever.” 

Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Okay.” 

“Esme. Let me carry your burdens with you. Please don’t be alone.” They were the words he had said after the first human had become her prey. 

She cried quietly on the other end of the phone, four and a half thousand miles away. “Okay.” 

“I’m coming to you. I’m leaving tonight, love. I’m coming.” 

Another dry sob, a shaking breath, ripped through her. “Okay.” 

  
  


He had shoved whatever clothes he could bother to find into a rucksack and barely had his boots laced up by the time he threw himself out of the house with only a few instructions shouted behind him. Edward would fill them in, or Alice, it didn’t matter. The rain had washed away Esme’s scent but it didn’t matter. He ran the two hundred miles to New York and boarded a plane to Fairbanks, trying not to look too conspicuous as he sat as still as a statue in stress. It was quicker than on foot but sitting still made him feel useless. Esme had cried on the phone. She wanted him with her. Once the plane landed it took all of his self control not to run through the airport, but when the freezing Alaska air hit his face and no humans were in sight he set off. Only a hundred miles lay between the airport and his cousins’ home. Carlisle wondered if he had ever run this fast. He didn’t let up until he was at the front door of the huge lodge, closer to a mansion than a cabin. He hesitated and Eleazar had opened it before he had the courage to knock. 

They embraced, kissing twice on each cheek, and Eleazar took his coat after a few words of greeting in Spanish. Esme was out on Irina’s balcony, he told him. Tanya watched him from the sofa and gave him an encouraging smile. It seemed like they had agreed not to make a fuss of him when he arrived, given the purpose for his visit. It felt odd, but in hindsight he knew it was the right decision - it would stop it from being too overwhelming for Esme. 

He followed her scent upstairs and to Irina’s room and he knocked softly on the door. It was a human habit and it was unnecessary, but it felt polite. 

“Out here,” came Esme’s voice. It was unsteady. 

Carlisle took careful steps into the room, his boots leaving a trail of snow on the hardwood floor. The glass doors to the balcony were thrown open, giving way to the brilliant Alaskan sky. In front of them the gigantic mountain range rose to the heavens and Esme stood looking out at it, her back to him. She wore Irina’s clothes, brown trousers tucked into the boots that went to her knees, a thick black fur coat stopping halfway down her thighs. Her caramel hair was loose down her back, soft and messy, a contrast to her coat. 

Carlisle looked a mess compared to her after his run. She turned to look at him and she smiled weakly at his windswept hair. “I… I’m sorry for making you come here. It was silly. I’m sorry.” 

His chest ached. “You have nothing to apologise for. It’s quite alright. Besides, Irina said a visit was well overdue.” He forced a smile but it didn’t meet his eyes. 

She looked down. “I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t come home.” 

“Because of me?”

“How’s Jasper?” she asked, avoiding Carlisle’s question. 

“He feels defeated, like he will always be on this uphill battle. He thinks he’s weak.” 

“He’s not. But he’ll always struggle more than the rest of us. Any time any of us are thirsty, he feels that thirst in addition to his own. Whatever temptation we face, so too does he, and I think that will always be harder than any of us can imagine.” 

“But he pushes himself sometimes when he shouldn’t. Like this time.” Carlisle watched his wife carefully for her reaction. 

She bent her head and let her hair hide her face. “Perhaps.” 

“Alice said that you did not want to pick the hitchhikers up, is that right?” 

“Yes.” Her lips barely moved when she said that quietly. 

“And Jasper lost control first?” 

She nodded once. 

Carlisle held out his hand to her. “Come here?” 

At last she faced him completely and she met his gaze, letting him see her bright red irises. There was shame in them, shame and fear. She swallowed. “Can you forgive me?” 

His brow creased. “You have not wronged me. There’s nothing that you have done that I can forgive.” She turned away from him but he gently caught her face and guided her to look at him again. Her cheek felt warm under his fingers. “We’ve been here before, Esme, it’s alright. I don’t think any less of you.” 

Her face creased and if it were possible, tears would be pouring down her cheeks. “I keep making the same mistake. Why do I keep making the same mistake?” 

Hesitantly, Carlisle raised his arms and when he embraced her, she sank into him. She sobbed into his shoulder and he stroked her hair. “It’s alright. It’s alright, my love. We are fighting our nature every day, sometimes nature wins.” 

She gripped his coat tight. “I hate it. I don’t want to destroy lives.” 

“I know.” He kissed her head and squeezed her tighter as she cried. Her agony hurt him, but it hurt less now she was sharing it with him. “Don’t give up. Please.” 

Esme shook her head against his shoulder. “Never,” she wept. 

After a while, her sobs subsided and she pulled back to look at him. The bright red of her eyes were disconcerting. He didn’t like to see it; she would like to see it even less. 

“Will you make me go to the funeral?” 

Carlisle insisted that the family went to the funeral of every victim. He said it was to honour them, but it felt like penance. Esme was always the exception, though. Her question felt like a slap, but she was in pain, and he forgave it without a second thought. “Have I ever made you?” 

She looked down. “No. I’m sorry.” 

“I know.” 

“I’m… I’m ashamed. I’m a- a monster.” 

“Would a monster be ashamed?” 

She closed her eyes like she didn’t want him to see her, but her grip on his coat tightened. “Maybe.” 

He embraced her again and whispered against her ear. “I don’t think it would be. I’ve known monsters in my time, darling. You are not a monster.” 

“I was when I tore through that man. It was so easy. Like he was nothing.” 

“Is it easy now to think about it?” 

Her sob was muffled against his shoulder again. “No.” 

“You’re not a monster, Esme. You’re the gentlest, kindest person I have ever known, even with your mistakes taken into account. You’re a good person. Please believe me.” Her hands tore holes into his coat and she gritted her teeth so hard he heard faint cracks in her jaw. “Esme, look at me.” 

She shook her head. “I can’t bear you to see the red.” 

“Alright, alright. But please, please, believe me. It’s alright.” 

“It’s not alright. I killed someone.”

Carlisle nodded and repressed a sigh. “What do you need?”

“Time.” 

“It’s yours. As much as you need. Is there anything else?” 

“Please don’t give up on me.” 

He stroked her back, the fur of her coat soft under his stone fingers. “Never.”

“And please don’t leave.” 

_ “Never.”  _


End file.
